i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
