you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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