so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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