There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
