im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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