Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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