Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
