I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
