got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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