Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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