I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
