I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Randomize
