I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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