You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
