we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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