Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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