im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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