I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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