I want you more than these girls want KFC
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Two words: blizzard sex
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
