She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
