I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
