You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
