You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
