From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
