he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
