So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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