Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
sarcasm needs its own font
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
tell me about the eggs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize