I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
