yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
