A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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