My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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