fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I am naked and annoyed.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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