Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
