So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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