didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
