I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
