and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
