I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize