2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
