I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
