were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize
