Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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