I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize