I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
