Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize