were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize