i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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