3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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