yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
