I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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