listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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