I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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