i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
