Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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