i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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