I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
