I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
