I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
