I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Randomize
