why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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