so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
