if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
