ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
