I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize