I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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