This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
