Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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