Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
