it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
