Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Even my vagina gasped.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
