Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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