break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
