i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize